Being Human

Part of being human is knowing fear. No matter how much people might argue that it is necessary for our survival – no one can argue against the fact that fear is of more than just one type. There is this ugly mental fear (thoughts, overthinking) vs the quite useful physical fear (feeling, the adrenalin rush). Physical fear can save lives in dangerous situations yet mental fear slowly destroys them from the inside out.

The key is not to be fearless, but to understand fear and where it comes from. Befriend it.

I used to have anxiety issues for a few years. Believe it or not, I still had them a few weeks ago. My anxiety problems began as soon as I wasn’t able to meet other people’s expectations. The disapproval of my personal decisions from closed ones had a tremendous impact on my inner world because I allowed it to. However, fate is such a funny thing. It doesn’t care about petty feelings. The way we feel about ourselves and others is purely our choice. Fate is very well aware of that. It doesn’t care about what people think is the best thing, it only cares about the right thing. And the right thing it will be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the type to worship fate, I am a firm believer that we are not victims of circumstance, by any chance, I would rather say fate is what we make it, yet … some things are predestined.

Both time and energy play a big part when it comes to anxiety issues. We might think we don’t have enough time to do all the things we want to do in life, or that things don’t go fast enough. We begin to lose faith, to feel stuck, we start to doubt ourselves and our path. The thing is that in most cases we have too much time on our hands with no suitable outlet for our energy to flow into. So we roam the realm of possibilities.

We begin thinking about the how’s and when’s wanting to control how things will enter our life, how we will achieve this and that – and because energy not invested positively turns foul and bitter – we get caught up in terrible thought chains within a matter of seconds. The final hit is when things don’t go the way we expected them to. Because this rarely happens. We feel like we lose our ground because we thought our plans were flawless. And if our plans didn’t work, what will?

girl portrait

The key to getting rid of crippling fear is learning to trust in something bigger than ourselves and move out of our way. We need to understand that we are not supposed to plan out every step of our journey. Our job is to make a decision and be clear on our goals. Let the universe handle the rest and enjoy the process. If life was all about goals and results – when and what would we learn in the meantime? Where’s room for personal growth in that scheme?

My anxiety issues declined gradually once I found a suitable outlet for my energy. I don’t have so much time to overthink anymore, I have something to look forward to because my energy is actually flowing somewhere. I learned to let go of wanting things my way and wanting them now. I understood the importance of self-exploration. And I am not anxious to experiment and try things out anymore because I finally gave up on perfection.



Blogger Party


I’m hosting a ‘Blogger Party’!

My First Milestone came rolling in today. I’ve had a lot of fun expressing myself and exploring my mind, I’ve made some blogging buddies and I want to drop a big thank you to everyone who got my back on here, gratitude for your support, for taking the time to read my little posts and comment your thoughts, thank you for your inspiring posts as well!

Here’s how it goes: drop the link to your blog in the comment section below and describe what your blog is about in a few lines – the thought behind this is for everyone who decides to participate to be able to find some new blogs to read and make new connections! Just because mutual support and ecouragement rocks!


Just A Story #2 – Memories


Our memories make us who we are. I close the book Paine bought yesterday and walk towards the window. The view from up here is breathtaking yet boring at the same time. It reminds me of a bustling ant colony. This place seems unreal.

Memories. Of course, I remember growing up, I remember the places I visited, the people I met … yet none of those memories is enough to give me a secure sense of identity. Looking down at the busy street I feel like this all is just a game, a wicked play designed to keep us separated from the source. Yet the people in this city seem so perfectly at peace. They fit in this world, all of them hold their place in it. They have families, friends. I see them fill the streets on the weekends. They do have a life, don’t they? Not that it’s perfect – I know they face struggles and feel pain. Yet the daily routine remains their first priority. These perfect citizen are built to preserve the status quo.

Nothing that I know about this place, none of the memories made here will change the feeling that there is so much more to everything than what we’re allowed to see. I feel as if the words I speak come out tainted. My mind is always busy finding the perfect pitch, will I ever be able to express myself freely, without the feeling of someone erasing my thoughts before I can speak them out loud?

My name is Erin White. And I committed suicide on a cold December night. At least that’s what the newspapers tell me. All of them. I can’t remember dying but the change of character, Paine’s appearance, all those stirred emotions and the confusion I find myself in show that something really happened. I did die on that night.

“I made you some tea.” Paine’s calm voice echoes across the room. “Come and join us, if you like.”

To be continued…

Previous: Part 1 – Paine

Next: Part 3 – Feather

Everyone Needs A Good Friend – Be One To Yourself

I don’t have any Zip today, in other words: I’m so damn tired lately. Then I realized how much I am at war with myself again – thoughts, ideas and fears all pull in different directions. Restless. Of course I’m not the only one like this. We all have our phases. A few weeks from now I probably won’t even remember feeling like this.

People waste too much time beating themselves up about their own imperfections. How do they hope to achieve greatness while thinking lowly of themselves? What if we all decided to be at peace with ourselves right here, right now? Can you imagine treating yourself as a friend? Does thinking of this put a smile on your face?



Just A Story – Paine


Paine is my best friend. She’s the only being that keeps me sane in this dull, rotten place. I wonder how she can keep her stuff together surrounded by this madness. Oh, maybe it’s because she isn’t human. Why me? My thoughts are running wild yet I keep coming to the same conclusion over and over. I’m stuck, a prisoner of my own. Like a lost time traveller I feel out of place. Wrong era, wrong planet. Yet … I am here.

“Cheer up, sadface!” Her voice snaps me out of my seemingly endless trip. The deeper I go, the darker it gets, it’s tough to go back without a safety rope. “Paine, do you know what it feels like being out of place?” She gives me a cryptic smile. Of course you do. “Nothing ever is out of place, dear.” These words crush my heart. “You know it hurts when you say this.” I simply can’t ignore how I feel about myself, the world and my place in it. I’ll never belong, I’ll never belong.  “Your feelings can’t change the truth of who you are. You’ll have to learn to accept it.” She always smiles. I wish I was like her. Maybe that’s why she’s by my side – without Paine I’d be a gloomy little sadface, at all times of the day. Oh, and I’d probably die of chronic depression, too. See, I make no sense. But then again, what makes sense on this Rock Bottom planet?

To be continued…

Next: Part Two: Memories

The Game I Always Hated


For a child the “smallest” things have the greatest impact. The early childhood is a very crucial stage in our lives where we learn about the world and people’s place in it. More often than not what we learn is complete trash. Why trash? Because we’re forced to do things we don’t want, we’re forced into artificial belief systems we don’t relate to and we’re forced to behave in a way some random person approves of. So most of us become vile trash and will teach the next generation how to be the same – or rather force them to become such because all we can approve of is trash, nothing less nothing more. What could a child possibly know? After all, adults have to teach them everything about the world, the one and only. So they can thrive and survive. Nah, take that back. So they can survive. That’s better.


Have you ever played friggin’ ‘Musical Chairs’? :D I don’t know the origins of this game but it is a very popular one worldwide. Come, close your eyes and go back in time. Think about how you played it, visualize it. (Or if you’re lucky enough and you never had to participate in this madness, then imagine doing so now.) You are 5 years old. See yourself among all those kids running around the chairs put in a circle, suddenly you’re so excited because everyone around you is. All you know is that you have to sit down on a chair as soon as the music stops. And then it happens. But uh-oh! That little monster next to you takes your stupid chair! :’D You look around, what? There’s no place left. A-nd you’re out! Hey, all’s good, everyone’s having fun, they’re laughing – at you – nah silly, it’s just a game, we’re having fun now you forgot?

But how does the little you feel about this surprise?

I can tell for me it never was fun. No matter the outcome, whether I got a chair or not I felt like an idiot having to run in circles around a bunch of chairs in the first place.

I’ve actually seen kids crying after losing because that’s what happens with 5 year olds when they don’t get what they want. But this really goes down to a deeper level. Even if consciously we understand it’s just a game and nothing bad happens to us when we lose – the subconscious mind works differently. It works in pictures and symbolism. It works in feelings and emotions. Anything but words.


What this shitty game actually teaches the kids is what you see adults doing in the “real world”. ‘Gotta use your elbows, kid! Because if you don’t, others will push you aside and you’ll never get your spot in the sun.’ On a subconscious level the game teaches us that you have to be selfish in order to win. The subconscious doesn’t care what we win. It notes the strong emotion that we want to win.

It doesn’t care if it’s just a game. It learns from the situation and creates an inner algorithm. This algorithm is something that gets triggered in other situations where we’re in competition. There’s not enough for everyone so you have to move fast. Be first. If you want to get to the top you have to push others out of your way and your win takes someone else’s loss. There aren’t enough chairs for everyone to sit comfortably, kids. You have to earn your chair even if it makes your friend cry. Otherwise the teacher will be mad at you, how dare you not play when they told you to?

Lack is something adults believe in and would die for if they had to prove you that it’s real. I’m sure there were more than enough chairs in the room before the adult decided it’s a good idea to practice some ‘reaction skills’. Even as you played the game – all around you were chairs, chairs, chairs. Maybe now that you’re out of the freak show you can feel free to have a choice.

The Cramm Award


Thank you, Nemo, for nominating me! Nemo is a fellow newbie and writes deep and thoughtful posts on a daily basis!

“TheCramm Award” was created by Liv, the owner of “theCramm” – which is a unique platform for getting everyday news in a digestible format.

Here are the rules:

  1. Include a little bit about who created this award (with a link) and mention the person who nominated you.
  2. Share 3 things that motivate you to blog and share 3 people that motivate you to blog as well
  3. Share one thing you hope to do that will improve the world
  4. Answer your challenge question
  5. Nominate your choice of bloggers and give them a challenge question.

Let’s go – What motivates me to write:

  • My thoughts
  • The world
  • Insanity

Who motivates me to write:

  • All began with me – if I didn’t have the motivation to start this, the blog would’ve never been created!
  • Fellow bloggers – I get inspired upon discovering interesting blogs and posts!
  • Last but not least – my followers, who are always supportive and encouraging, their comments and insights are a great source of inspiration as well!


My idea to improve the world…

  • … is rather unethical to be shared publicly *grin*

Nemo’s Challenge Question For Me: What do you feel is your ultimate destiny?

  • I don’t know^^ – but even if I did, I believe a person’s ‘ultimate destiny’ is something that should be carefully guarded!

I Nominate:

  • KetCage, my friend
  • Ash, how could I ever do a tag without nominating you :D
  • Demifern, the author of the guest post about Judging and Labelling on my blog
  • Mindfump, because your posts are always a good read
  • Of course everyone who is intrigued by this little activity can decide to participate as well!

My question for you is: What superpower would you choose to have and why?