I’ve Been On A Trip To The Outernet

“I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.”

The words from my last post make me chuckle.

The universe is such a funny place. It gives you exactly what you ask for.

I haven’t planned to “come back”. It’s been two months yet I feel like 2 years have passed. I am a different person. I thought I’d cringe skimming through my last post. I haven’t. I can smell “my touch” upon it. The energy I put behind my words – it’s a genuine text of mine, yes. Have I really changed as much then? What happened, Luna…

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I’ve been looking for something. Something to make me feel alive. Something to drive me mad, “consume” me. I’ve been looking for something worth losing sleep over.

And I found it. I can’t get enough.

It’s good to know that I’m just at the beginning. I dipped my toes into the deep waters so to speak. And I want more. Millions of questions run through my mind. Whenever I find an answer, 2 new questions come up. Well, more than two actually. It drives me nuts on one hand but makes my stay here worthwhile on the other.

I’ve been drowning in the boring “mundane” BS. We all know there’s more to life than sleep, work, consume, repeat. Can’t you feel you’re dying a little every day, doing the same shit over and over again? Do you feel satisfied? Can’t you feel the pull inside you to do something “real”? Something that gives you a sense of belonging, purpose? Something that makes you feel that you actually are here? Can you imagine standing on the top of a mountain, you see the Milky Way high above you, stretch your arms out, breathe in… What do you feel? Take your eyes off the meaningless chase after “nothing really”.

Do you feel a driving force behind your actions greater than “just to live another day” while minding your every day business? I couldn’t. But I wanted to.

I am far from having a clear picture but I haven’t been “losing” sleep for nothing. When you find that something that ends up consuming you like this, you won’t be able to sleep much. Trust me. It’s not the worrying type of losing sleep, no. The opposite of that. You’ll feel energized. The most valuable realization I had is that I really don’t have time to “play nice” and pretend being someone I am not.

Many people think they are being real, unique and edgy but they actually are maintaining a certain image of themselves. The way you want to be seen is not who you really are.

For most of us it is intimidating to really be ourselves. We don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable. We are programmed to try to fit in at all times. Don’t be weird and all. It’s hard to let go of such a deep seed within our minds. But it’s entirely possible. If you don’t let go of this you’ll never know your real self. No one in this world has to accept you but yourself. So why don’t you?

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Ghost In A Machine

I had a near death experience as a child which has a big effect on how I perceive myself and the world around me. I see my body as a perfect machine. It completely sustains itself. Sometimes it scares me. I can feel it having a life of its own. It scares me especially when I think of what my body is made from. I am a wandering universe of microscopic organisms functioning in unity, forming my physical form which I then can use to roam this world. I am not my body but my body is a part of me, so important … like you can’t join an MMORPG without creating an avatar first.

But I am not my body, or am I? My lungs will keep pumping air without me having to consciously think of them doing so. My heart will pump the blood through my veins, supplying oxygen to the rest of my body whether I want this or not. The body is programmed to live. I am unaware of almost everything it does to stay “alive”. I wonder: Does it really need “me”? What’s the consciousness inside of this “vessel”?

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I’m sorry but I’m fascinated. I’m interested in the way the body works, the way it retains memory, for instance. Why does the brain choose to keep one memory but overwrite another? And the amount of abuse it can withstand – what an incredible healing capacity! Sometimes I think people are friggin’ suicidal simply by looking at the way they treat their own body. I then wonder how they’d act should they ever learn its value. But people take their bodies for granted because they got them for free. And people hardly value anything they get for free, right? Then again, some folks are intrigued by sci-fi: “How cool would it be if we had androids roaming around us, cyborgs and stuff…”

Funny how people want to create artificial vessels and AI. Funny how they always want AI to be more human-like at first, and then look forward for it to surpass human capacities. Why would you want to create something that’s supposed to mimic and eventually become a “better” you while you not even knowing everything about “you” yet? What if the human body is capable of so much more than pumping blood and air, digesting food and staying alive? Apparently, we don’t even know how much of our brain’s capacity we actually are using. We believe to have mastered genetics while claiming most of our DNA is “junk” simply because we can’t make much sense of it. There is the Placebo Effect which defies any established “logic” and “rationalism”. Not to mention “Epigenetics”. How much do we work our DNA work as opposed to it “working” us? Our bodies are on auto-pilot.mirror They run to maintain life but that eventually wears off. What if we can do so much more with it? I mean things like super strength under certain circumstances have been studied silently. There are people out there who can do seemingly “impossible” things. I wonder what secrets we’re staring into when facing ourselves in the mirror.

If the body is a machine, then the consciousness controlling it must be the mind. Yes, the mind controls the physical body and so much more maybe? Change your thoughts, change your life. Mind over matter. But … looking into psychology it becomes clear very fast that the mind is just another machine. Very much programmed. And the software is harder to overwrite the longer it’s in use. I want to know what’s beyond this. I want to understand the code. I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.

Just A Story #5 – Archangel

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“I am Chronos after all” He smiles wryly while holding the rear door open for me. For a short moment I am left alone with the sound of the rain falling against the car roof. I don’t understand. “Ed! I ask you to tell me what is going on, immediately!” I hoped my firm voice would bring the point across, yet Ed doesn’t even look back at me. “Erin, dearest, you can ask me anything you like once we recover your memory.” He starts the engine. Right, I don’t even know what we’re going to do next. Heck, I don’t know anything! “Where are we heading and where’s Paine?! We can’t leave without her!” Ed’s eyes meet mine in the rear mirror. “To the lab. Paine will probably be there before us. Anything else?” I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit!

“Yes. I want to know why we’re running from those people. Who are they anyway?” A short moment of silence follows before I hear Ed’s chuckle. “Those people aren’t people at all. You’ve remembered that, haven’t you?” The winged man...It can’t be… “Angels?” My voice came out higher than intended. Ed glances through the rear mirror and confirms my words with a brief blink and nod. “Not just any angels, you are being hunted down by Lord Ismael himself.” Is-mael? “Ed, are you for real? I’ve never even heard of this before! This is not funny! Just tell me the truth, it can’t be that hard!” Ed points his index finger to the front window without letting go of the steering wheel: “Proof enough?” My heart skips a beat – feathers! – actual feathers stick to the glass! Suddenly I am very, very scared. He isn’t joking. This actually is real. “I’ve been killed by an angel.” What does that make me?

“Except you never died.” There’s nothing I can say about this. It’s such a mess. I simply vanished from this world, like I’ve been erased. The media published a suicide story to explain the sudden disappearance of the representative’s daughter. I am dead yet I’m alive. And now my past comes haunting me. “I haven’t done anything to upset any angels! I lived an ordinary life! This doesn’t make any sense!” I think I’ve gone insane. Maybe I’m having a weird dream, hallucinating? This can’t be happening – yet the feathers on the glass mockingly stare at me. I’m going to die for real this time… but maybe that’s for the better. A tear rolls down my cheek. Suddenly I feel my body press against the seat. We’re going faster now. “My, you girls keep getting me in trouble. Thanks for that! Life as Alltheia’s top medical dog was never as exciting!” Ed purrs while maneuvering the car through the traffic before making a sharp turn into a narrow street. A dead end.

He turns around and wipes the tear off my cheek. “You know, Ismael is not that bad.” I watch him unfasten his seat belt before turning towards me again: “He simply does his job.” Ed opens the door with a fleeting smile and gets out of the car. I haven’t noticed the heavy fog form around us! Something is going to happen… It turns very quiet again before I feel a shockwave hitting the car. I squint my eyes trying to see through the fog as suddenly the driver’s door opens behind me. “I bought us some more time. Ed Chronos at your service!”

To be continued…

Previous: Part 4 – Time

Unique But Not Really

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Funny how it’s a social norm to try and be someone vs simply be. Funny how especially during the school time we’re forced to focus on our flaws rather than strenghts in order to meet a set standard as opposed to allowing individualism to thrive. What if idolizing people leads us to not only losing the sense of self but actually holds us off from really tapping into it? Could the world become a much more positive place if we allowed us to actually discover ourselves instead of continuously trying to imitate others? Heh, that’d be a catastrophe.

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We Are Incredibly Powerful

A belief, if based on a deception, is something we will desperately try to protect by all means – because that one belief makes up our perception of the world and we don’t like our worldview to change so easily when it’s us who don’t like change.

This is a reply post to “Freedom is my Virtue“. Since I started a conversation in their comment section but my reply this time would be too long for another comment.

“The place I live in is a bubble. […] I realize that living in a bubble does make us disconnected with reality.”

Yet you feel entitled to make such a serious post about the problems in this world while you admit to have no idea about reality. I am seriously intrigued and I want to give you another perspective. First of all, I do not make this post to attack you because I can see that you really, really want good for the world. But your idea is flawed because you want the things to stay as they are by making miniscule changes which in your mind would make the world somehow magically better (mostly for your conscience). I’m picking this up because you mentioned the impact the animal killing industry has on the people of this world and the environment.

You threw the word veganism somewhere in there but only to protect yourself from possible attacks against you.

” Not advocating veganism, here—but […]”

pexels-photo-112640Question: Since when do we have to fear to promote life, health and freedom? Not only the life of animals (if that’s worth nothing to you) but also the life of the people who die of the consequences of eating animals AND the survival of the actual planet we live on?

“[…] I don’t see why our government hasn’t yet jumped at the chance to carry out this world-saving masterplan.”

I can tell you why: supply and demand. Plus, the triple-profit you bring because you are what you eat. By eating death and disease you become death and disease and here’s where the government farms you. Pharmaceutics. Because people want to stay alive while making no lifestyle changes. Yet to my question as to why you’re ashamed to advocate veganism even though you clearly acknowledge its benefits on a large scale you say this:

“[…] yes, veganism guarantees greater health benefits and lessens environmental costs. But in the developed world, large-scale veganism would cause economic disruption […]”

pexels-photo-112855Another perspective: stopping wars from one day to another would cause large economic disruption. Supply and demand of weaponry, too many governments tied in, too many soldiers – who really are nothing but livestock to their governments are on the field (they send them to their deaths, you’re aware of that, right?) It is possible however, is to gradually stop causing unneccessary harm to living beings (including humans) as well as destroying the environment.

Lucky that this is the way veganism spreads opposed to your silly implication of total economic devastation in one sweep. Have you seen how many vegan food companies have been created lately, how many vegan restaurants open up daily? Vegan clothing, vegan everything, and this all grows gradually. We are not shutting down the animal killing industry today but we are shifting the supply and demand towards more beneficent, healthier options – steadily!

“There is nothing wrong with eating meat.”

So you’re saying there’s nothing wrong with clogging our arteries, literally and directly feeding certain types of cancer, living with hormonal imbalances caused by dairy (since we’re not baby cows, eh) I’m not even going to get into other common diseases most people suffer from at a certain age such as Dementia, Alzheimer’s etc – it’s all trackable to corpse and animal’s body fluids consumption.

Every actual nutritionist – a person who actually studied nutrition (such as the people from the American Dietetic Association) will recommend a vegan diet for health. They have proven that a vegan diet is appropriate for all stages of the life-cycle including during pregnancy, lactation, infancy, childhood, and adolescence. There’s tons of proof available at your fingertips, only if you’re willing to look. And I mean actual biological proof that our bodies are not developed for meat consumption which is the main reason our arteries clog from consuming animal products. Truly omnivorous or even carnivorous beings don’t develop atherosclerosis (= clogged arteries) after flesh consumption.

You advocate bad health and violence with both of your arguments. And if you deny that that is what you imply then PLEASE, please go and watch Gary Yourofsky’s ‘Best Speech You Will Ever Hear’, watch the documentary ‘Earthlings’

e8cf34a8f90e3d4360b8842603fd9083If the only freedom you value is your own freedom to make up the reality you want to see, you truly are free to remain in your bubble. But where’s the point in making those kind of posts on your blog?

The world won’t change unless you do and your voice won’t be heard if all you ever do is talk.

As of now it seems I am the only person who has truly heard you and I offer you the chance to educate yourself on what’s really happening in the world. Ignorance is no longer an excuse, you have all the info at your fingertips – I have linked all the crucial studies and video material to you so you don’t even have to look them up on your own. If you’re not the hypocrite you make yourself look like then prove yourself. I’d love to actually talk to you after you look into those things.

Just A Story #4 – Time

How it began: Part 1 – Paine

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The cold drops falling on my face bring me back to reality. I must get back inside before the rain comes down stronger. Moving my body proves to be a difficult task. Have I put on weight? I smirk – can’t believe I’m being edgy after just remembering what had happened to me. No … it’s not the first time I’ve seen this scene. I’m disappointed in myself because – once again – I’ve missed his face. Why are the most important memories always the blurriest?

‘Paine!’ I roar across the living room. If only I had closed the glass door, so I wouldn’t have to scream against the howling wind… No time for that. ‘I remember! It was a winged man!’ Both, Paine and Ed storm into the room. ‘What did you say?’ she asks me with a confused look on her face as she heads to close the door leading to the terrace. ‘Here, it was a winged man who killed me.’ My voice fails me as I hold up the feather. In this dark room it seems to glow a little. ‘Let me take a closer look.’ Paine takes a step towards me as a lightning strike reveals her stern facial expression.

After a closer inspection the feather disintegrates to glowing particles right in Paine’s hand – this sight reminds me of hot ashes. What is going on? Her eyes wander off towards Ed ‘We’re out of time, Chronos. They’re here!’ The latter part sounded like a secret code for a specific plan of action, as they both nodded towards each other. I don’t understand the weird bond between them while they understand each other without speaking. Paine puts on her coat and storms out of the apartment. My already racing heart jumps as I feel someone gripping my arm.

What a relief it is to see Ed’s smiling face, I suddenly feel very at peace. ‘Erin, please wait at the car. I’ll be with you shortly.’ He walks me towards the elevator and presses the 0 as soon as the door opens. However, something doesn’t feel quite right – what was that eery glow in Ed’s eyes barely visible through the slit of the closing doors? Maybe it’s just my imagination. He’s always been mysterious.

Oh, this doesn’t look good at all! How I wish Paine was with me now, how could she leave me here like that! What is happening – am I in danger? Why didn’t they tell me… out of time… the heck does that even mean!? The fog of thoughts thickens as I feel an alarming presence creeping in through the walls. The air gets colder. I close my eyes, this can’t be real. Ding! The elevator door opens and I step into the empty reception hall. It’s so quiet as if time itself had stopped. Where is everyone? My own steps sound like thunder as I run towards the main entrance – I can see a car in front of it.

The street noise goes off as I open the door – looking back, I can see and hear people at the reception behind me. What? As I turn towards the street again, I see Ed waiting in front of the car. ‘Ed?! … How did you…?’

To be continued…

Previous: Part 3 – Feather

Next: Part 5 – Archangel

I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

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Funny thing, isn’t it, we spend so much time at school preparing for the big ol’ world but once we’re out we feel like newborn babies, not knowing where we actually belong. I think, no matter what it takes, we all should take the chance to explore our inner worlds. We all should take the chance and pursue happiness – even if we still have to figure out what this means to us, even if going after it means rough times ahead. It’s better than having our hearts long for some place we think we can’t go.

So, to me, I made a promise that I will keep going, seeing what I can find in the labyrinth of my mind. Because I, for once, have no memories of who I am. But promises are just words and the universe speaks actions, not promises. What keeps me going is the uncertainty. The subtle excitement rushing through my veins when I ask myself: ‘What do I have to lose? What if … I keep going?’ What will I possibly find at the end of the road and what’s the alternative once I give up pursuing my real self? Frankly said, the alternative sucks so the only option left is to keep playing ‘Life’. And if the rabbit hole is the only thing that makes life worth living then that’s what I’ve been made for. I refuse to go down empty.

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