I’ve Been On A Trip To The Outernet

“I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.”

The words from my last post make me chuckle.

The universe is such a funny place. It gives you exactly what you ask for.

I haven’t planned to “come back”. It’s been two months yet I feel like 2 years have passed. I am a different person. I thought I’d cringe skimming through my last post. I haven’t. I can smell “my touch” upon it. The energy I put behind my words – it’s a genuine text of mine, yes. Have I really changed as much then? What happened, Luna…

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I’ve been looking for something. Something to make me feel alive. Something to drive me mad, “consume” me. I’ve been looking for something worth losing sleep over.

And I found it. I can’t get enough.

It’s good to know that I’m just at the beginning. I dipped my toes into the deep waters so to speak. And I want more. Millions of questions run through my mind. Whenever I find an answer, 2 new questions come up. Well, more than two actually. It drives me nuts on one hand but makes my stay here worthwhile on the other.

I’ve been drowning in the boring “mundane” BS. We all know there’s more to life than sleep, work, consume, repeat. Can’t you feel you’re dying a little every day, doing the same shit over and over again? Do you feel satisfied? Can’t you feel the pull inside you to do something “real”? Something that gives you a sense of belonging, purpose? Something that makes you feel that you actually are here? Can you imagine standing on the top of a mountain, you see the Milky Way high above you, stretch your arms out, breathe in… What do you feel? Take your eyes off the meaningless chase after “nothing really”.

Do you feel a driving force behind your actions greater than “just to live another day” while minding your every day business? I couldn’t. But I wanted to.

I am far from having a clear picture but I haven’t been “losing” sleep for nothing. When you find that something that ends up consuming you like this, you won’t be able to sleep much. Trust me. It’s not the worrying type of losing sleep, no. The opposite of that. You’ll feel energized. The most valuable realization I had is that I really don’t have time to “play nice” and pretend being someone I am not.

Many people think they are being real, unique and edgy but they actually are maintaining a certain image of themselves. The way you want to be seen is not who you really are.

For most of us it is intimidating to really be ourselves. We don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable. We are programmed to try to fit in at all times. Don’t be weird and all. It’s hard to let go of such a deep seed within our minds. But it’s entirely possible. If you don’t let go of this you’ll never know your real self. No one in this world has to accept you but yourself. So why don’t you?

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I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

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Funny thing, isn’t it, we spend so much time at school preparing for the big ol’ world but once we’re out we feel like newborn babies, not knowing where we actually belong. I think, no matter what it takes, we all should take the chance to explore our inner worlds. We all should take the chance and pursue happiness – even if we still have to figure out what this means to us, even if going after it means rough times ahead. It’s better than having our hearts long for some place we think we can’t go.

So, to me, I made a promise that I will keep going, seeing what I can find in the labyrinth of my mind. Because I, for once, have no memories of who I am. But promises are just words and the universe speaks actions, not promises. What keeps me going is the uncertainty. The subtle excitement rushing through my veins when I ask myself: ‘What do I have to lose? What if … I keep going?’ What will I possibly find at the end of the road and what’s the alternative once I give up pursuing my real self? Frankly said, the alternative sucks so the only option left is to keep playing ‘Life’. And if the rabbit hole is the only thing that makes life worth living then that’s what I’ve been made for. I refuse to go down empty.

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