I’ve Been On A Trip To The Outernet

“I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.”

The words from my last post make me chuckle.

The universe is such a funny place. It gives you exactly what you ask for.

I haven’t planned to “come back”. It’s been two months yet I feel like 2 years have passed. I am a different person. I thought I’d cringe skimming through my last post. I haven’t. I can smell “my touch” upon it. The energy I put behind my words – it’s a genuine text of mine, yes. Have I really changed as much then? What happened, Luna…

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I’ve been looking for something. Something to make me feel alive. Something to drive me mad, “consume” me. I’ve been looking for something worth losing sleep over.

And I found it. I can’t get enough.

It’s good to know that I’m just at the beginning. I dipped my toes into the deep waters so to speak. And I want more. Millions of questions run through my mind. Whenever I find an answer, 2 new questions come up. Well, more than two actually. It drives me nuts on one hand but makes my stay here worthwhile on the other.

I’ve been drowning in the boring “mundane” BS. We all know there’s more to life than sleep, work, consume, repeat. Can’t you feel you’re dying a little every day, doing the same shit over and over again? Do you feel satisfied? Can’t you feel the pull inside you to do something “real”? Something that gives you a sense of belonging, purpose? Something that makes you feel that you actually are here? Can you imagine standing on the top of a mountain, you see the Milky Way high above you, stretch your arms out, breathe in… What do you feel? Take your eyes off the meaningless chase after “nothing really”.

Do you feel a driving force behind your actions greater than “just to live another day” while minding your every day business? I couldn’t. But I wanted to.

I am far from having a clear picture but I haven’t been “losing” sleep for nothing. When you find that something that ends up consuming you like this, you won’t be able to sleep much. Trust me. It’s not the worrying type of losing sleep, no. The opposite of that. You’ll feel energized. The most valuable realization I had is that I really don’t have time to “play nice” and pretend being someone I am not.

Many people think they are being real, unique and edgy but they actually are maintaining a certain image of themselves. The way you want to be seen is not who you really are.

For most of us it is intimidating to really be ourselves. We don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable. We are programmed to try to fit in at all times. Don’t be weird and all. It’s hard to let go of such a deep seed within our minds. But it’s entirely possible. If you don’t let go of this you’ll never know your real self. No one in this world has to accept you but yourself. So why don’t you?

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Ghost In A Machine

I had a near death experience as a child which has a big effect on how I perceive myself and the world around me. I see my body as a perfect machine. It completely sustains itself. Sometimes it scares me. I can feel it having a life of its own. It scares me especially when I think of what my body is made from. I am a wandering universe of microscopic organisms functioning in unity, forming my physical form which I then can use to roam this world. I am not my body but my body is a part of me, so important … like you can’t join an MMORPG without creating an avatar first.

But I am not my body, or am I? My lungs will keep pumping air without me having to consciously think of them doing so. My heart will pump the blood through my veins, supplying oxygen to the rest of my body whether I want this or not. The body is programmed to live. I am unaware of almost everything it does to stay “alive”. I wonder: Does it really need “me”? What’s the consciousness inside of this “vessel”?

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I’m sorry but I’m fascinated. I’m interested in the way the body works, the way it retains memory, for instance. Why does the brain choose to keep one memory but overwrite another? And the amount of abuse it can withstand – what an incredible healing capacity! Sometimes I think people are friggin’ suicidal simply by looking at the way they treat their own body. I then wonder how they’d act should they ever learn its value. But people take their bodies for granted because they got them for free. And people hardly value anything they get for free, right? Then again, some folks are intrigued by sci-fi: “How cool would it be if we had androids roaming around us, cyborgs and stuff…”

Funny how people want to create artificial vessels and AI. Funny how they always want AI to be more human-like at first, and then look forward for it to surpass human capacities. Why would you want to create something that’s supposed to mimic and eventually become a “better” you while you not even knowing everything about “you” yet? What if the human body is capable of so much more than pumping blood and air, digesting food and staying alive? Apparently, we don’t even know how much of our brain’s capacity we actually are using. We believe to have mastered genetics while claiming most of our DNA is “junk” simply because we can’t make much sense of it. There is the Placebo Effect which defies any established “logic” and “rationalism”. Not to mention “Epigenetics”. How much do we work our DNA work as opposed to it “working” us? Our bodies are on auto-pilot.mirror They run to maintain life but that eventually wears off. What if we can do so much more with it? I mean things like super strength under certain circumstances have been studied silently. There are people out there who can do seemingly “impossible” things. I wonder what secrets we’re staring into when facing ourselves in the mirror.

If the body is a machine, then the consciousness controlling it must be the mind. Yes, the mind controls the physical body and so much more maybe? Change your thoughts, change your life. Mind over matter. But … looking into psychology it becomes clear very fast that the mind is just another machine. Very much programmed. And the software is harder to overwrite the longer it’s in use. I want to know what’s beyond this. I want to understand the code. I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.