I’ve Been On A Trip To The Outernet

“I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.”

The words from my last post make me chuckle.

The universe is such a funny place. It gives you exactly what you ask for.

I haven’t planned to “come back”. It’s been two months yet I feel like 2 years have passed. I am a different person. I thought I’d cringe skimming through my last post. I haven’t. I can smell “my touch” upon it. The energy I put behind my words – it’s a genuine text of mine, yes. Have I really changed as much then? What happened, Luna…

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I’ve been looking for something. Something to make me feel alive. Something to drive me mad, “consume” me. I’ve been looking for something worth losing sleep over.

And I found it. I can’t get enough.

It’s good to know that I’m just at the beginning. I dipped my toes into the deep waters so to speak. And I want more. Millions of questions run through my mind. Whenever I find an answer, 2 new questions come up. Well, more than two actually. It drives me nuts on one hand but makes my stay here worthwhile on the other.

I’ve been drowning in the boring “mundane” BS. We all know there’s more to life than sleep, work, consume, repeat. Can’t you feel you’re dying a little every day, doing the same shit over and over again? Do you feel satisfied? Can’t you feel the pull inside you to do something “real”? Something that gives you a sense of belonging, purpose? Something that makes you feel that you actually are here? Can you imagine standing on the top of a mountain, you see the Milky Way high above you, stretch your arms out, breathe in… What do you feel? Take your eyes off the meaningless chase after “nothing really”.

Do you feel a driving force behind your actions greater than “just to live another day” while minding your every day business? I couldn’t. But I wanted to.

I am far from having a clear picture but I haven’t been “losing” sleep for nothing. When you find that something that ends up consuming you like this, you won’t be able to sleep much. Trust me. It’s not the worrying type of losing sleep, no. The opposite of that. You’ll feel energized. The most valuable realization I had is that I really don’t have time to “play nice” and pretend being someone I am not.

Many people think they are being real, unique and edgy but they actually are maintaining a certain image of themselves. The way you want to be seen is not who you really are.

For most of us it is intimidating to really be ourselves. We don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable. We are programmed to try to fit in at all times. Don’t be weird and all. It’s hard to let go of such a deep seed within our minds. But it’s entirely possible. If you don’t let go of this you’ll never know your real self. No one in this world has to accept you but yourself. So why don’t you?

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Being Human

Part of being human is knowing fear. No matter how much people might argue that it is necessary for our survival – no one can argue against the fact that fear is of more than just one type. There is this ugly mental fear (thoughts, overthinking) vs the quite useful physical fear (feeling, the adrenalin rush). Physical fear can save lives in dangerous situations yet mental fear slowly destroys them from the inside out.

The key is not to be fearless, but to understand fear and where it comes from. Befriend it.

I used to have anxiety issues for a few years. Believe it or not, I still had them a few weeks ago. My anxiety problems began as soon as I wasn’t able to meet other people’s expectations. The disapproval of my personal decisions from closed ones had a tremendous impact on my inner world because I allowed it to. However, fate is such a funny thing. It doesn’t care about petty feelings. The way we feel about ourselves and others is purely our choice. Fate is very well aware of that. It doesn’t care about what people think is the best thing, it only cares about the right thing. And the right thing it will be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the type to worship fate, I am a firm believer that we are not victims of circumstance, by any chance, I would rather say fate is what we make it, yet … some things are predestined.

Both time and energy play a big part when it comes to anxiety issues. We might think we don’t have enough time to do all the things we want to do in life, or that things don’t go fast enough. We begin to lose faith, to feel stuck, we start to doubt ourselves and our path. The thing is that in most cases we have too much time on our hands with no suitable outlet for our energy to flow into. So we roam the realm of possibilities.

We begin thinking about the how’s and when’s wanting to control how things will enter our life, how we will achieve this and that – and because energy not invested positively turns foul and bitter – we get caught up in terrible thought chains within a matter of seconds. The final hit is when things don’t go the way we expected them to. Because this rarely happens. We feel like we lose our ground because we thought our plans were flawless. And if our plans didn’t work, what will?

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The key to getting rid of crippling fear is learning to trust in something bigger than ourselves and move out of our way. We need to understand that we are not supposed to plan out every step of our journey. Our job is to make a decision and be clear on our goals. Let the universe handle the rest and enjoy the process. If life was all about goals and results – when and what would we learn in the meantime? Where’s room for personal growth in that scheme?

My anxiety issues declined gradually once I found a suitable outlet for my energy. I don’t have so much time to overthink anymore, I have something to look forward to because my energy is actually flowing somewhere. I learned to let go of wanting things my way and wanting them now. I understood the importance of self-exploration. And I am not anxious to experiment and try things out anymore because I finally gave up on perfection.

✦✦✦

Just A Story – Paine

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Paine is my best friend. She’s the only being that keeps me sane in this dull, rotten place. I wonder how she can keep her stuff together surrounded by this madness. Oh, maybe it’s because she isn’t human. Why me? My thoughts are running wild yet I keep coming to the same conclusion over and over. I’m stuck, a prisoner of my own. Like a lost time traveller I feel out of place. Wrong era, wrong planet. Yet … I am here.

“Cheer up, sadface!” Her voice snaps me out of my seemingly endless trip. The deeper I go, the darker it gets, it’s tough to go back without a safety rope. “Paine, do you know what it feels like being out of place?” She gives me a cryptic smile. Of course you do. “Nothing ever is out of place, dear.” These words crush my heart. “You know it hurts when you say this.” I simply can’t ignore how I feel about myself, the world and my place in it. I’ll never belong, I’ll never belong.  “Your feelings can’t change the truth of who you are. You’ll have to learn to accept it.” She always smiles. I wish I was like her. Maybe that’s why she’s by my side – without Paine I’d be a gloomy little sadface, at all times of the day. Oh, and I’d probably die of chronic depression, too. See, I make no sense. But then again, what makes sense on this Rock Bottom planet?

To be continued…

Next: Part Two: Memories

Speaking Of Happiness – There Are Two Sides To Each Coin

Via Daily Prompt – Denial

I don’t understand why people want to force a happy state of mind by ignoring unpleasant emotions and ugly thoughts. Is it easier to pretend like it’s nothing? Lalalalalalala I don’t hear you!

Look, you don’t go around with a broken leg acting like it’s nothing, now do you? Why is emotional pain so different? There is a misconception that higher beings, our beloved angels for instance, are purely positive beings. We try to be like them. We want to be likeable, we want to appear lighthearted. Everyone wants a happy life. But life brings challenges, we get hurt every now and then – how to deal with that, no one knows. One thing is for sure: ‘grow up’, ‘you’re overreacting’ are the most common things we hear once we try to share our innermost feelings with the wrong people. And the ‘wrong people’ is almost everyone.

Even if you can go to a doctor to fix your broken leg, no doctor can fix a broken heart. Our emotions are ours to begin with and there is no one who could completely understand what we feel and why we feel this way. People only can make assumptions and comments based on their own experience and perception. Therefore, your heartache might seem laughable to another person and they’ll say you’re overreacting because this isn’t something they would bother dealing with.

Giving someone such power, as to decide which of your emotions are valid and which aren’t, is deadly. Seriously. You’re killing your heart by ignoring it and you’re risking to become dull and cynical just like the person who said your feelings are a mere overreaction. We should be grateful that we can feel such a wide range of emotions. People say you can’t enjoy spring without winter – this applies to feelings, too. You can’t know true happiness without knowing pain. And even our beloved angels wouldn’t be able to help us if they didn’t know pain. Or how do you think are they able to understand us?