I Don’t Know What I’m Doing


Funny thing, isn’t it, we spend so much time at school preparing for the big ol’ world but once we’re out we feel like newborn babies, not knowing where we actually belong. I think, no matter what it takes, we all should take the chance to explore our inner worlds. We all should take the chance and pursue happiness – even if we still have to figure out what this means to us, even if going after it means rough times ahead. It’s better than having our hearts long for some place we think we can’t go.

So, to me, I made a promise that I will keep going, seeing what I can find in the labyrinth of my mind. Because I, for once, have no memories of who I am. But promises are just words and the universe speaks actions, not promises. What keeps me going is the uncertainty. The subtle excitement rushing through my veins when I ask myself: ‘What do I have to lose? What if … I keep going?’ What will I possibly find at the end of the road and what’s the alternative once I give up pursuing my real self? Frankly said, the alternative sucks so the only option left is to keep playing ‘Life’. And if the rabbit hole is the only thing that makes life worth living then that’s what I’ve been made for. I refuse to go down empty.



Speaking Of Happiness – There Are Two Sides To Each Coin

Via Daily Prompt – Denial

I don’t understand why people want to force a happy state of mind by ignoring unpleasant emotions and ugly thoughts. Is it easier to pretend like it’s nothing? Lalalalalalala I don’t hear you!

Look, you don’t go around with a broken leg acting like it’s nothing, now do you? Why is emotional pain so different? There is a misconception that higher beings, our beloved angels for instance, are purely positive beings. We try to be like them. We want to be likeable, we want to appear lighthearted. Everyone wants a happy life. But life brings challenges, we get hurt every now and then – how to deal with that, no one knows. One thing is for sure: ‘grow up’, ‘you’re overreacting’ are the most common things we hear once we try to share our innermost feelings with the wrong people. And the ‘wrong people’ is almost everyone.

Even if you can go to a doctor to fix your broken leg, no doctor can fix a broken heart. Our emotions are ours to begin with and there is no one who could completely understand what we feel and why we feel this way. People only can make assumptions and comments based on their own experience and perception. Therefore, your heartache might seem laughable to another person and they’ll say you’re overreacting because this isn’t something they would bother dealing with.

Giving someone such power, as to decide which of your emotions are valid and which aren’t, is deadly. Seriously. You’re killing your heart by ignoring it and you’re risking to become dull and cynical just like the person who said your feelings are a mere overreaction. We should be grateful that we can feel such a wide range of emotions. People say you can’t enjoy spring without winter – this applies to feelings, too. You can’t know true happiness without knowing pain. And even our beloved angels wouldn’t be able to help us if they didn’t know pain. Or how do you think are they able to understand us?

Happiness Is A Personal Choice?!


Has someone ever taught you how to take responsibility for your emotions? Or that this was even a thing? Me neither. This is because it’s widely believed that emotions just happen and that other people are usually somehow involved with the way we feel. Like emotions are nothing we could truly control yet we’re taught to be mindful of our words and actions when we’re around a group of people. We’ve adapted rules and social standards as to not hurt or offend others. However, looking left and right all you see are people feeling offended! It’s because feeling this way is a personal choice and people are addicted to playing the victim role.

Illusion of Influence

There is no way we can be in control over what another person thinks and feels. Ever noticed how sometimes you begin thinking of something and you get so caught up in the thought process, it begins to alter the way you currently feel? This happens because thoughts and emotions go hand in hand.

So if a person thinks that you’re thinking badly of them, they’ll begin to feel that, too. Even if in reality that’s not the case they’ll begin reading more into your words and actions than what was actually said and done. It’s like some minor paranoia: they’ll think your tone was sarcastic the way you looked at them was condescending etc. there literally is nothing you can do about it because the way they feel about you is their personal choice and if they decide to feel offended by you, they will find or create reasons for that.

Of course there are people who do this on purpose, too. Trying to hurt and offend others for whatever reasons, I mean. People who are loud and constantly acting up are usually the ones trying to hide their own insecurities.

Personal choice

In any case: our feelings and emotions are always under our own control just as much as our thoughts are. Maybe it’s not something we like to hear but then again, the way our society works now shows that we avoid responsibility like hell. It’s easy to blame someone else for the way we feel. It’s difficult to admit that we choose to feel low and play the victim simply because it’s too much effort to stand up for ourselves and in some cases admit that in reality it’s us who are thinking lowly of ourselves deep within. But the universe always delivers according to the way we truly feel – sometimes through setting us in touch with people who’ll point exactly that out to us.


Why Is It So Hard To Love Ourselves?

What is love?

From a very young age on we learn that love is something we can give to others and it is something we receive from others. We don’t usually learn about loving ourselves so the habit of doing so is never properly formed in the first place. And then we have parents. Ideally, they take the responsibility to teach us about the world and prepare us for life. Inevitably they fall into the reward and punishment method – tending to reward us with love when we meet their expectations and punish us when we fail to do so. We learn about the concept of being a lovable person by seeking to meet other people’s expectations – making people proud and happy to be loved in return.

Selfish vs. Selfless

One of the biggest lessons our parents teach us is to not be selfish. My parents and teachers preached: “I comes last!” We always have to sacrifice our own happiness for the happiness of everyone around us if that’s for the greater good, this is what defines a good person – and this is why the world is how it is. Indeed.

If it was so good to always put ourselves last it’d make us incredibly happy, wouldn’t it? Yet so many people are constantly complaining about the sacrifices they are making for others, never having the strength or time to pay attention to themselves. Maybe it’s courage they are lacking. Courage to look in the mirror and be happy about who they are and what they do. Oh what, they aren’t happy you say? … Right. It’s hard to be happy and love yourself when all the big decisions you’ve made in life based on other people’s ideals and expectations.

It is what it is: a social standard.

But funny how, if you step back and look at it from another perspective, the constant effort of keeping a selfless image, in essence, is the most selfish thing one can ever do. Besides, being selfless never buys you the right to play the victim and cry about how you always are the one who comes short. Especially in the case of parents, where parents expect their children to make sacrifices in return – it’s not about selflessness.

You see, people don’t care about being selfless as much as about making others think and say that of them. Everyone wants to be a good person. Yet it is in our nature to be selfish. Personality tests are so popular because people want to know more about themselves. Why would that be the case if we all were truly – selfless?

So how do we love ourselves?

The only thing standing in the way towards self-love is the mental block of “allowance” or “approval” to go and explore ourselves, the world and make personal decisions based on our own likes and wishes, regardless of what other people think. What are you afraid of? Others laughing at or scolding you if you make a mistake? Mistakes are inevitable in life. Make your own and learn from them rather than regretting the mistakes others have led you into.