I’ve Been On A Trip To The Outernet

“I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.”

The words from my last post make me chuckle.

The universe is such a funny place. It gives you exactly what you ask for.

I haven’t planned to “come back”. It’s been two months yet I feel like 2 years have passed. I am a different person. I thought I’d cringe skimming through my last post. I haven’t. I can smell “my touch” upon it. The energy I put behind my words – it’s a genuine text of mine, yes. Have I really changed as much then? What happened, Luna…

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I’ve been looking for something. Something to make me feel alive. Something to drive me mad, “consume” me. I’ve been looking for something worth losing sleep over.

And I found it. I can’t get enough.

It’s good to know that I’m just at the beginning. I dipped my toes into the deep waters so to speak. And I want more. Millions of questions run through my mind. Whenever I find an answer, 2 new questions come up. Well, more than two actually. It drives me nuts on one hand but makes my stay here worthwhile on the other.

I’ve been drowning in the boring “mundane” BS. We all know there’s more to life than sleep, work, consume, repeat. Can’t you feel you’re dying a little every day, doing the same shit over and over again? Do you feel satisfied? Can’t you feel the pull inside you to do something “real”? Something that gives you a sense of belonging, purpose? Something that makes you feel that you actually are here? Can you imagine standing on the top of a mountain, you see the Milky Way high above you, stretch your arms out, breathe in… What do you feel? Take your eyes off the meaningless chase after “nothing really”.

Do you feel a driving force behind your actions greater than “just to live another day” while minding your every day business? I couldn’t. But I wanted to.

I am far from having a clear picture but I haven’t been “losing” sleep for nothing. When you find that something that ends up consuming you like this, you won’t be able to sleep much. Trust me. It’s not the worrying type of losing sleep, no. The opposite of that. You’ll feel energized. The most valuable realization I had is that I really don’t have time to “play nice” and pretend being someone I am not.

Many people think they are being real, unique and edgy but they actually are maintaining a certain image of themselves. The way you want to be seen is not who you really are.

For most of us it is intimidating to really be ourselves. We don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable. We are programmed to try to fit in at all times. Don’t be weird and all. It’s hard to let go of such a deep seed within our minds. But it’s entirely possible. If you don’t let go of this you’ll never know your real self. No one in this world has to accept you but yourself. So why don’t you?

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Just A Story #3 – Feather

Just A Story #1 – Paine

“I’ll come over in a few minutes, Paine. I need some fresh air.” The truth is that I need to calm my mind before I can face our guest. I’m not myself ever since that night – did I really … ? “Understood~” Paine walks a few steps backwards before turning around and disappearing from my sight in elegance. Shouldn’t I be terrified of heights? Yet the terrace is my favorite place. It’s windy outside. The dark clouds are moving fast over my head, they seem too close. I wonder what’s so urgent, it is unusual for Ed to come over this late. We were going to visit the lab tomorrow morning anyway.

During the last 3 months I’ve been working with Ed, attempting to recover my memories. He served as my private doctor until I went from being the daughter of Alltheia’s representative to literally, Ms. Nobody. No one remembers me, I’ve seen my friends – I actually walked past them yet no one even bothers to look twice at me. Isn’t that the life I always wished for? I am as free as a bird now. Why do I need to know what happened, I could just take the life I was given and do whatever I want.

No, the reason I’m in this is because I want to know the truth. If it wasn’t for Ed I’d have no place to go to. Paine gave up her position in the lab just to keep an eye on me. But I don’t understand … why are Ed and Paine the only people in this god-damned city who still remember me? I’m not a ghost, or am I? Their involvement in my death is out of question – yet they are set to help me discover the truth by myself.

The wind gets colder as I catch a single feather gliding through the air from the corner of my eye. “Huh?” This feather … my body moves on its own I … I have to pick it up! It’s the feather from my dream last night. I keep seeing it over and over again! No, this can’t be … The dream … I can’t be sleeping! Quickly Erin, you have to look at his face, come on. My head hurts, I feel dizzy – as I let myself fall on the cold floor I watch the dream unfold in front of my inner eye. Within a moment – I find myself at the top of a high building – within a moment – I cling to the papers in my hands, this man … I have to see his face! He … he killed me! Echoing whispers run through my mind as I feel the shockwave hitting my chest. Time slows down as I fall off the edge, watching the magnificent winged being hovering over the building. I am nothing but a feather gliding through the air. “Erin White, you’re in my way.”

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To be continued…

Previous: Part 2 – Memories

Next: Part 4 – Time