I had a near death experience as a child which has a big effect on how I perceive myself and the world around me. I see my body as a perfect machine. It completely sustains itself. Sometimes it scares me. I can feel it having a life of its own. It scares me especially when I think of what my body is made from. I am a wandering universe of microscopic organisms functioning in unity, forming my physical form which I then can use to roam this world. I am not my body but my body is a part of me, so important … like you can’t join an MMORPG without creating an avatar first.
But I am not my body, or am I? My lungs will keep pumping air without me having to consciously think of them doing so. My heart will pump the blood through my veins, supplying oxygen to the rest of my body whether I want this or not. The body is programmed to live. I am unaware of almost everything it does to stay “alive”. I wonder: Does it really need “me”? What’s the consciousness inside of this “vessel”?
I’m sorry but I’m fascinated. I’m interested in the way the body works, the way it retains memory, for instance. Why does the brain choose to keep one memory but overwrite another? And the amount of abuse it can withstand – what an incredible healing capacity! Sometimes I think people are friggin’ suicidal simply by looking at the way they treat their own body. I then wonder how they’d act should they ever learn its value. But people take their bodies for granted because they got them for free. And people hardly value anything they get for free, right? Then again, some folks are intrigued by sci-fi: “How cool would it be if we had androids roaming around us, cyborgs and stuff…”
Funny how people want to create artificial vessels and AI. Funny how they always want AI to be more human-like at first, and then look forward for it to surpass human capacities. Why would you want to create something that’s supposed to mimic and eventually become a “better” you while you not even knowing everything about “you” yet? What if the human body is capable of so much more than pumping blood and air, digesting food and staying alive? Apparently, we don’t even know how much of our brain’s capacity we actually are using. We believe to have mastered genetics while claiming most of our DNA is “junk” simply because we can’t make much sense of it. There is the Placebo Effect which defies any established “logic” and “rationalism”. Not to mention “Epigenetics”. How much do we work our DNA work as opposed to it “working” us? Our bodies are on auto-pilot. They run to maintain life but that eventually wears off. What if we can do so much more with it? I mean things like super strength under certain circumstances have been studied silently. There are people out there who can do seemingly “impossible” things. I wonder what secrets we’re staring into when facing ourselves in the mirror.
If the body is a machine, then the consciousness controlling it must be the mind. Yes, the mind controls the physical body and so much more maybe? Change your thoughts, change your life. Mind over matter. But … looking into psychology it becomes clear very fast that the mind is just another machine. Very much programmed. And the software is harder to overwrite the longer it’s in use. I want to know what’s beyond this. I want to understand the code. I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.
The bitter truth behind ‘be real’ is that most of us are nowhere close to being real and never will be. No matter how true to ourselves we think we are. I wonder – being born in a world full of standards, expectations, role models, idols, trends, fads, rules and customs – were we ever real to begin with?
Our memories make us who we are. I close the book Paine bought yesterday and walk towards the window. The view from up here is breathtaking yet boring at the same time. It reminds me of a bustling ant colony. This place seems unreal.
Memories. Of course, I remember growing up, I remember the places I visited, the people I met … yet none of those memories is enough to give me a secure sense of identity. Looking down at the busy street I feel like this all is just a game, a wicked play designed to keep us separated from the source. Yet the people in this city seem so perfectly at peace. They fit in this world, all of them hold their place in it. They have families, friends. I see them fill the streets on the weekends. They do have a life, don’t they? Not that it’s perfect – I know they face struggles and feel pain. Yet the daily routine remains their first priority. These perfect citizen are built to preserve the status quo.
Nothing that I know about this place, none of the memories made here will change the feeling that there is so much more to everything than what we’re allowed to see. I feel as if the words I speak come out tainted. My mind is always busy finding the perfect pitch, will I ever be able to express myself freely, without the feeling of someone erasing my thoughts before I can speak them out loud?
My name is Erin White. And I committed suicide on a cold December night. At least that’s what the newspapers tell me. All of them. I can’t remember dying but the change of character, Paine’s appearance, all those stirred emotions and the confusion I find myself in show that something really happened. I did die on that night.
“I made you some tea.” Paine’s calm voice echoes across the room. “Come and join us, if you like.”
To be continued…
Previous: Part 1 – Paine
Next: Part 3 – Feather
I don’t have any Zip today, in other words: I’m so damn tired lately. Then I realized how much I am at war with myself again – thoughts, ideas and fears all pull in different directions. Restless. Of course I’m not the only one like this. We all have our phases. A few weeks from now I probably won’t even remember feeling like this.
People waste too much time beating themselves up about their own imperfections. How do they hope to achieve greatness while thinking lowly of themselves? What if we all decided to be at peace with ourselves right here, right now? Can you imagine treating yourself as a friend? Does thinking of this put a smile on your face?
Paine is my best friend. She’s the only being that keeps me sane in this dull, rotten place. I wonder how she can keep her stuff together surrounded by this madness. Oh, maybe it’s because she isn’t human. Why me? My thoughts are running wild yet I keep coming to the same conclusion over and over. I’m stuck, a prisoner of my own. Like a lost time traveller I feel out of place. Wrong era, wrong planet. Yet … I am here.
“Cheer up, sadface!” Her voice snaps me out of my seemingly endless trip. The deeper I go, the darker it gets, it’s tough to go back without a safety rope. “Paine, do you know what it feels like being out of place?” She gives me a cryptic smile. Of course you do. “Nothing ever is out of place, dear.” These words crush my heart. “You know it hurts when you say this.” I simply can’t ignore how I feel about myself, the world and my place in it. I’ll never belong, I’ll never belong. “Your feelings can’t change the truth of who you are. You’ll have to learn to accept it.” She always smiles. I wish I was like her. Maybe that’s why she’s by my side – without Paine I’d be a gloomy little sadface, at all times of the day. Oh, and I’d probably die of chronic depression, too. See, I make no sense. But then again, what makes sense on this Rock Bottom planet?
To be continued…
Next: Part Two: Memories
What’s the difference between the dabbler and the achiever?
Well, the dabbler tries, fails and gives up. The achiever on the other hand is the polar opposite. And some people tend to take this too far. The old paradigm preaches you have to work your butt off and make sacrifices over sacrifices if you want to get somewhere. That might work for some but others can’t pull through with it. It’s hard to stay on track – not because they’re weak but because this way is not for them. There are generic approaches and tested solutions, sure. But do you really think there is only one perfect way to reach a goal?
While pressure can be a good motivator not every individual handles it equally.
Some might be at their peak performance while others give up. That’s why students with bad grades don’t usually get better. They give up. The school system is just one example where everyone is treated in the same way, regardless of natural predisposition, talent and individuality. We are people but we are not one and the same! We keep trying to fit into a flawed system believing to know the perfect way to the top and because some can’t keep up with it they stop trying.
Yes, hard work and perseverance are important when it comes to achieving goals. You get out what you put in. What if I told you it’s not what we do or don’t which determines success or failure of an endeavor – it’s how much of it. Push too hard to get somewhere and you end up stuck. It’s okay if you can’t work towards your goal for 20 hours a day – there’s a way for everyone.
I believe in consistency more than in anything else.
There is no shame in taking a break and doing nothing once in a while. In fact, it’s rather healthy to zone out regularly, and some tend to be more productive after taking a break. You can’t focus on anything with a cluttered mind. As long as we don’t chill too much, pick up the pace rather soon and continue working on our goal, giving our best – everything is still possible. Allow yourself a breather every now and then. Peace!
Why am I blogging publicly instead of keeping a diary?
I see writing as a powerful tool to release stress and tension. Nowadays especially, as The Age of Information is taking its toll on our ability to concentrate and think clearly, writing has some therapeutic qualities to it. I also enjoy the feeling of a small victory and a clearer mind once I’m done writing about something that’s been bothering me for a while.
The reason I decided to take my ‘mind surfing’ to a blog is simply for the experience of it.
What topics would I like to write about?
I’d like to write about the twisted mind of ours and how we create our reality by literally thinking it into existence. How what we see around us and what we focus on affects our perception of who we are and our place in society.
Who would I love to connect with via my blog?
I’d like to connect with and bring together people who feel “different”. Those seeking more to life than what the mundane routine has to offer. As well as the more grounded “spiritual” people such as old souls, wanderers, deep thinkers, etc. who have a hard time finding a common ground with the mainstream spiritual folks.
What do I hope to accomplish with this blog?
The main purpose of this blog is for me to get a clearer vision of myself and my path. I’d like to attain a clearer state of mind and hopefully spark some inspiration in those who come across it.