Ghost In A Machine

I had a near death experience as a child which has a big effect on how I perceive myself and the world around me. I see my body as a perfect machine. It completely sustains itself. Sometimes it scares me. I can feel it having a life of its own. It scares me especially when I think of what my body is made from. I am a wandering universe of microscopic organisms functioning in unity, forming my body which I then can use to roam this world. I am not my body but my body is a part of me, so important … like you can’t join an MMORPG without creating an avatar first. I have to have this body to be here.

But I am not my body, or am I? My lungs will keep pumping air without me having to consciously think of them doing so. My heart will pump the blood through my veins, supplying oxygen to the rest of my body whether I want this or not. The body is programmed to live. I am unaware of almost everything it does to stay “alive”. I wonder: Does it really need “me”? What’s the consciousness inside of this body?


I’m sorry but I’m fascinated. I’m interested in the way the body works, the way it retains memory, for instance. Why does the brain choose to keep one memory but overwrite another? And the amount of abuse it can withstand – what an incredible healing capacity! Sometimes I think people are friggin’ suicidal simply by looking at the way they treat their own body. I then wonder how they’d act should they ever learn its value. But people take their bodies for granted because they got them for free. And people hardly value anything they get for free, right? Then again, some folks are intrigued by sci-fi: “How cool would it be if we had androids roaming around us, cyborgs and stuff…”

Funny how people want to create artificial bodies and AI. Funny how they always want it to be more human-like at first, and then look forward for it to surpass human capacities. Why would you want to create something that’s supposed to mimic and eventually become a “better” you while you not even knowing everything about “you” yet? What if the human body is capable of so much more than pump blood, air, digest food and stay alive? Apparently, we don’t even know how much of our brain’s capacity we actually are using. We believe to have mastered genetics while claiming most of our DNA is “junk” simply because we can’t make much sense of it. There is the Placebo Effect which defies any established “logic” and “rationalism”. Not to mention “Epigenetics”. How much do we work our DNA work as opposed to it “working” us? Our bodies are on auto-pilot.mirror They run to maintain life but that eventually wears off. What if we can do so much more with it? I mean things like super strength under certain circumstances have been studied silently. There are people out there who can do seemingly “impossible” things. I wonder what secrets we’re staring into when facing ourselves in the mirror.

If the body is a machine, then the consciousness controlling it must be the mind. Yes, the mind controls the physical body and so much more maybe? Change your thoughts, change your life. Mind over matter. But … looking into psychology it becomes clear very fast that the mind is just another machine. Very much programmed. And the software is harder to overwrite the longer it’s in use. I want to know what’s beyond this. I want to understand the code. I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.

I Don’t Know What I’m Doing


Funny thing, isn’t it, we spend so much time at school preparing for the big ol’ world but once we’re out we feel like newborn babies, not knowing where we actually belong. I think, no matter what it takes, we all should take the chance to explore our inner worlds. We all should take the chance and pursue happiness – even if we still have to figure out what this means to us, even if going after it means rough times ahead. It’s better than having our hearts long for some place we think we can’t go.

So, to me, I made a promise that I will keep going, seeing what I can find in the labyrinth of my mind. Because I, for once, have no memories of who I am. But promises are just words and the universe speaks actions, not promises. What keeps me going is the uncertainty. The subtle excitement rushing through my veins when I ask myself: ‘What do I have to lose? What if … I keep going?’ What will I possibly find at the end of the road and what’s the alternative once I give up pursuing my real self? Frankly said, the alternative sucks so the only option left is to keep playing ‘Life’. And if the rabbit hole is the only thing that makes life worth living then that’s what I’ve been made for. I refuse to go down empty.


Superhuman – Be Fearless

Part of being human is knowing fear. No matter how much people might argue that it is necessary for our survival – no one can argue against the fact that fear is of more than just one type. There is this ugly mental fear (thoughts, overthinking) vs the quite useful physical fear (feeling, the adrenalin rush). Physical fear can save lives in dangerous situations yet mental fear slowly destroys them from the inside out.

To become superhuman, the key is not to be fearless, but to understand fear and where it comes from. Befriend it.

I used to have anxiety issues for a few years. Believe it or not, I still had them a few weeks ago. My anxiety problems began as soon as I wasn’t able to meet other people’s expectations. The disapproval of my personal decisions from closed ones had a tremendous impact on my inner world because I allowed it to. However, fate is such a funny thing. It doesn’t care about petty feelings. The way we feel about ourselves and others is purely our choice. Fate is very well aware of that. It doesn’t care about what people think is the best thing, it only cares about the right thing. And the right thing it will be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the type to worship fate, I am a firm believer that we are not victims of circumstance, by any chance, I would rather say fate is what we make it, yet … some things are predestined.

Both time and energy play a big part when it comes to anxiety issues. We might think we don’t have enough time to do all the things we want to do in life, or that things don’t go fast enough. We begin to lose faith, to feel stuck, we start to doubt ourselves and our path. The thing is that in most cases we have too much time on our hands with no suitable outlet for our energy to flow into. So we roam the realm of possibilities.

We begin thinking about the how’s and when’s wanting to control how things will enter our life, how we will achieve this and that – and because energy not invested positively turns foul and bitter – we get caught up in terrible thought chains in a matter of seconds. The final hit is when things don’t go the way we expected them to. Because this rarely happens. We feel like we lose our ground because we thought our plans were flawless. And if our plans don’t work, what will?


The key to getting rid of crippling fear is learning to trust in something bigger than ourselves and move out of our way. We need to understand that we are not supposed to plan out every step of our journey. Our job is to make a decision and be clear on our goals. Let the universe handle the rest and enjoy the process. If life was all about goals and results – when and what would we learn in the meantime? Where’s room for personal growth in that scheme?

My anxiety issues declined gradually once I found a suitable outlet for my energy, which is this blog. I don’t have so much time to overthink anymore, I have something to look forward to because my energy is actually flowing somewhere. I learned to let go of wanting things my way and wanting them now. I understood the importance of self-exploration. And I am not anxious to experiment and try things out anymore because I finally gave up on perfection.


A Glimpse At Meditation


I think everyone who meditated once would probably agree with me if I say: meditation is tough. Since I’m not completely new to this anymore I think this time I can pull through. The excitement about where the journey would lead me to, keeps me motivated. I have a goal, yes, I’m going somewhere – but can I write about this? I’m afraid sharing the details lies beyond my comfort zone at the moment. Despite that I can still write about the journey.

Of course meditating on a whim is easy and can give you a quick result. What I want is more than that. I want a transformation. I want to heal myself. I want to cut the noise from my mind. I know it works. Here’s what I found:

Monkey Mind – Compared to meditating on a whim, it can be really hard to calm down and be relatively quiet every time. My mind keeps wandering off a lot. However, I am able to pull myself out of it. It took some practice and a lot of failed attempts to get to this point but I think now I’m good to go.

Falling Asleep – Inevitable. This still happened to me during this week even though I didn’t experience it in a while during my casual meditation sessions. It doesn’t frustrate me as much as it used to. If you’re new to meditation – expect to fall asleep a lot!

Fixed Stages – Okay this is getting interesting. I see colors once my body moves into a more relaxed state. My mind can be a monkey but I’ll see these colors – like I’m moving through a tunnel. If you try rubbing your eyes firmly for a few seconds you might get a better understanding of what I mean, even though it’s slightly different. It’s not distracting or anything, so don’t worry about this. The only curious thing is that sometimes it occurs right from the start, sometimes after 30 minutes. Sometimes it’s rather bright, other times it’s faint. It does occur in the dark and during day time. I can keep my eyes closed or opened – I’ll see them. The only connection I was able to make is that it occurs as soon as my body is relaxed, so seeing them is a good sign to me.

Another thing that occurs on a regular basis is a hardcore spinning sensation. I mean this when I say: it feels absolutely physical – as if someone just put you into a ball and is playing basketball with you in it. In space. The first time it happened I freaked out. However, the second time I experienced this I felt that I really need to allow it to pass by. So I did. And it’s good that I did because I experience this every now and then. Usually I feel very calm and relaxed once it settles. ^^ I don’t know what exactly it is – but I’ve been told that it’s some kind of energetic adjustment and the spinning sensation occurs when we’re ridding ourselves of some stuff in our energy field. What do you think?


Why I’m Here And What The Blog Is About

Why am I blogging publicly instead of keeping a diary?

While I’m a complete newbie to blogging, I always had an interest in writing privately and couldn’t live without a notebook for long. I see writing as a powerful tool to release stress and tension.

Nowadays especially, as The Age of Information is taking its toll on our ability to concentrate and think clearly, writing has some therapeutic qualities to it. I also enjoy the feeling of a small victory and a clearer mind once I’m done writing about something that’s been bothering me for a while.

The reason I decided to take my ‘mind surfing’ to a blog is that various people have repeatedly told me about the calming quality of my written expressions as well as the empowering feeling they get once they finish reading a text of mine. It seems as if my feelings get etched in my words and everyone reading them can take something positive from the experience – the same rewarding feeling of a small victory I talked about before.

What topics would I like to write about?

I’d like to write about the twisted mind of ours and how we create our reality by literally thinking it into existence. How what we see outside and what we focus on affects our perception of who we are and our place in society. The blog will tend to be of a spiritual nature, but mind you, I’m not a fan of mainstream spirituality.

Who would I love to connect with via my blog?

I’d like to connect with and bring together people who feel somewhat left out from our society because they don’t fit in and those seeking more to life than what the mundane routine has to offer. As well as the more grounded spiritual people such as old souls, wanderers, deep thinkers, etc. who have a hard time finding a common ground with the mainstream spiritual folks.

What do I hope to accomplish with this blog?

The main purpose of this blog is for me to get a clearer vision of myself and my path. I’d like to attain a clearer state of mind and hopefully spark some inspiration in those who come across it.