I’ve Been On A Trip To The Outernet

“I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.”

The words from my last post make me chuckle.

The universe is such a funny place. It gives you exactly what you ask for.

I haven’t planned to “come back”. It’s been two months yet I feel like 2 years have passed. I am a different person. I thought I’d cringe skimming through my last post. I haven’t. I can smell “my touch” upon it. The energy I put behind my words – it’s a genuine text of mine, yes. Have I really changed as much then? What happened, Luna…

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I’ve been looking for something. Something to make me feel alive. Something to drive me mad, “consume” me. I’ve been looking for something worth losing sleep over.

And I found it. I can’t get enough.

It’s good to know that I’m just at the beginning. I dipped my toes into the deep waters so to speak. And I want more. Millions of questions run through my mind. Whenever I find an answer, 2 new questions come up. Well, more than two actually. It drives me nuts on one hand but makes my stay here worthwhile on the other.

I’ve been drowning in the boring “mundane” BS. We all know there’s more to life than sleep, work, consume, repeat. Can’t you feel you’re dying a little every day, doing the same shit over and over again? Do you feel satisfied? Can’t you feel the pull inside you to do something “real”? Something that gives you a sense of belonging, purpose? Something that makes you feel that you actually are here? Can you imagine standing on the top of a mountain, you see the Milky Way high above you, stretch your arms out, breathe in… What do you feel? Take your eyes off the meaningless chase after “nothing really”.

Do you feel a driving force behind your actions greater than “just to live another day” while minding your every day business? I couldn’t. But I wanted to.

I am far from having a clear picture but I haven’t been “losing” sleep for nothing. When you find that something that ends up consuming you like this, you won’t be able to sleep much. Trust me. It’s not the worrying type of losing sleep, no. The opposite of that. You’ll feel energized. The most valuable realization I had is that I really don’t have time to “play nice” and pretend being someone I am not.

Many people think they are being real, unique and edgy but they actually are maintaining a certain image of themselves. The way you want to be seen is not who you really are.

For most of us it is intimidating to really be ourselves. We don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable. We are programmed to try to fit in at all times. Don’t be weird and all. It’s hard to let go of such a deep seed within our minds. But it’s entirely possible. If you don’t let go of this you’ll never know your real self. No one in this world has to accept you but yourself. So why don’t you?

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Ghost In A Machine

I had a near death experience as a child which has a big effect on how I perceive myself and the world around me. I see my body as a perfect machine. It completely sustains itself. Sometimes it scares me. I can feel it having a life of its own. It scares me especially when I think of what my body is made from. I am a wandering universe of microscopic organisms functioning in unity, forming my physical form which I then can use to roam this world. I am not my body but my body is a part of me, so important … like you can’t join an MMORPG without creating an avatar first.

But I am not my body, or am I? My lungs will keep pumping air without me having to consciously think of them doing so. My heart will pump the blood through my veins, supplying oxygen to the rest of my body whether I want this or not. The body is programmed to live. I am unaware of almost everything it does to stay “alive”. I wonder: Does it really need “me”? What’s the consciousness inside of this “vessel”?

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I’m sorry but I’m fascinated. I’m interested in the way the body works, the way it retains memory, for instance. Why does the brain choose to keep one memory but overwrite another? And the amount of abuse it can withstand – what an incredible healing capacity! Sometimes I think people are friggin’ suicidal simply by looking at the way they treat their own body. I then wonder how they’d act should they ever learn its value. But people take their bodies for granted because they got them for free. And people hardly value anything they get for free, right? Then again, some folks are intrigued by sci-fi: “How cool would it be if we had androids roaming around us, cyborgs and stuff…”

Funny how people want to create artificial vessels and AI. Funny how they always want AI to be more human-like at first, and then look forward for it to surpass human capacities. Why would you want to create something that’s supposed to mimic and eventually become a “better” you while you not even knowing everything about “you” yet? What if the human body is capable of so much more than pumping blood and air, digesting food and staying alive? Apparently, we don’t even know how much of our brain’s capacity we actually are using. We believe to have mastered genetics while claiming most of our DNA is “junk” simply because we can’t make much sense of it. There is the Placebo Effect which defies any established “logic” and “rationalism”. Not to mention “Epigenetics”. How much do we work our DNA work as opposed to it “working” us? Our bodies are on auto-pilot.mirror They run to maintain life but that eventually wears off. What if we can do so much more with it? I mean things like super strength under certain circumstances have been studied silently. There are people out there who can do seemingly “impossible” things. I wonder what secrets we’re staring into when facing ourselves in the mirror.

If the body is a machine, then the consciousness controlling it must be the mind. Yes, the mind controls the physical body and so much more maybe? Change your thoughts, change your life. Mind over matter. But … looking into psychology it becomes clear very fast that the mind is just another machine. Very much programmed. And the software is harder to overwrite the longer it’s in use. I want to know what’s beyond this. I want to understand the code. I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into.

I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

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Funny thing, isn’t it, we spend so much time at school preparing for the big ol’ world but once we’re out we feel like newborn babies, not knowing where we actually belong. I think, no matter what it takes, we all should take the chance to explore our inner worlds. We all should take the chance and pursue happiness – even if we still have to figure out what this means to us, even if going after it means rough times ahead. It’s better than having our hearts long for some place we think we can’t go.

So, to me, I made a promise that I will keep going, seeing what I can find in the labyrinth of my mind. Because I, for once, have no memories of who I am. But promises are just words and the universe speaks actions, not promises. What keeps me going is the uncertainty. The subtle excitement rushing through my veins when I ask myself: ‘What do I have to lose? What if … I keep going?’ What will I possibly find at the end of the road and what’s the alternative once I give up pursuing my real self? Frankly said, the alternative sucks so the only option left is to keep playing ‘Life’. And if the rabbit hole is the only thing that makes life worth living then that’s what I’ve been made for. I refuse to go down empty.

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Being Human

Part of being human is knowing fear. No matter how much people might argue that it is necessary for our survival – no one can argue against the fact that fear is of more than just one type. There is this ugly mental fear (thoughts, overthinking) vs the quite useful physical fear (feeling, the adrenalin rush). Physical fear can save lives in dangerous situations yet mental fear slowly destroys them from the inside out.

The key is not to be fearless, but to understand fear and where it comes from. Befriend it.

I used to have anxiety issues for a few years. Believe it or not, I still had them a few weeks ago. My anxiety problems began as soon as I wasn’t able to meet other people’s expectations. The disapproval of my personal decisions from closed ones had a tremendous impact on my inner world because I allowed it to. However, fate is such a funny thing. It doesn’t care about petty feelings. The way we feel about ourselves and others is purely our choice. Fate is very well aware of that. It doesn’t care about what people think is the best thing, it only cares about the right thing. And the right thing it will be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the type to worship fate, I am a firm believer that we are not victims of circumstance, by any chance, I would rather say fate is what we make it, yet … some things are predestined.

Both time and energy play a big part when it comes to anxiety issues. We might think we don’t have enough time to do all the things we want to do in life, or that things don’t go fast enough. We begin to lose faith, to feel stuck, we start to doubt ourselves and our path. The thing is that in most cases we have too much time on our hands with no suitable outlet for our energy to flow into. So we roam the realm of possibilities.

We begin thinking about the how’s and when’s wanting to control how things will enter our life, how we will achieve this and that – and because energy not invested positively turns foul and bitter – we get caught up in terrible thought chains within a matter of seconds. The final hit is when things don’t go the way we expected them to. Because this rarely happens. We feel like we lose our ground because we thought our plans were flawless. And if our plans didn’t work, what will?

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The key to getting rid of crippling fear is learning to trust in something bigger than ourselves and move out of our way. We need to understand that we are not supposed to plan out every step of our journey. Our job is to make a decision and be clear on our goals. Let the universe handle the rest and enjoy the process. If life was all about goals and results – when and what would we learn in the meantime? Where’s room for personal growth in that scheme?

My anxiety issues declined gradually once I found a suitable outlet for my energy. I don’t have so much time to overthink anymore, I have something to look forward to because my energy is actually flowing somewhere. I learned to let go of wanting things my way and wanting them now. I understood the importance of self-exploration. And I am not anxious to experiment and try things out anymore because I finally gave up on perfection.

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Why I’m Here And What The Blog Is About

Why am I blogging publicly instead of keeping a diary?

I see writing as a powerful tool to release stress and tension. Nowadays especially, as The Age of Information is taking its toll on our ability to concentrate and think clearly, writing has some therapeutic qualities to it. I also enjoy the feeling of a small victory and a clearer mind once I’m done writing about something that’s been bothering me for a while.

The reason I decided to take my ‘mind surfing’ to a blog is simply for the experience of it.

What topics would I like to write about?

I’d like to write about the twisted mind of ours and how we create our reality by literally thinking it into existence. How what we see around us and what we focus on affects our perception of who we are and our place in society.

Who would I love to connect with via my blog?

I’d like to connect with and bring together people who feel “different”. Those seeking more to life than what the mundane routine has to offer. As well as the more grounded “spiritual” people such as old souls, wanderers, deep thinkers, etc. who have a hard time finding a common ground with the mainstream spiritual folks.

What do I hope to accomplish with this blog?

The main purpose of this blog is for me to get a clearer vision of myself and my path. I’d like to attain a clearer state of mind and hopefully spark some inspiration in those who come across it.